Twelve years ago, my late wife Shallena and I sat down to have an important discussion. We were excited, our life dream was coming true and in just a few short months we would be leaving the United States to live in Africa and work in a rural mission hospital. We had no plans for a permanent return as we both felt this was our life calling. What would our story be? What was ahead of us? We wanted to start a blog to share the journey. We knew there would be good, and we knew there would be bad, and we knew the promise that God would work it all together for good if we remained faithful to Him. What should we call our blog…? After a few tries we came up with “In All Things”. It was the right title. “In all things we are more than conquerors”, “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him”. It had a Romans 8 feel that we could correlate to our unknown and untold stories. We wanted the good and the bad to point to God as we chronicled his faithfulness in the sun and in the rain.
And so we set off…I still remember selling our minivan in the afternoon and boarding the SuperShuttle for LAX at night. Our earthly possessions in 8 suitcases, and a container floating somewhere across the Atlantic. It was a dream come true, a transition, a loss, a gain, and we looked forward with expectation to God’s faithfulness in all things.
Well, the first year was a rude awakening. We struggled, we cried, we vomited, we ran, and by ran, I mean the kind of ran you did when you had the runs. Hopefully you ran fast enough! We admitted our little two-year-old Abi to the hospital, we grew a garden, we donated a lot of money - some voluntarily, most involuntarily. We learned the hospital and the people, and at the end of the year we were worn out and ready for a break. Then Shallena received her first diagnosis of early stage breast cancer. We struggled, but after the 6 months of recovery, we looked back and forward with more faith and expectation than ever. God had taken us through all those things, and we were ready to return to the work.
The second and third years saw our smile. As we survived the first, we thrived the third. The hospital was growing, the staff had a sense of purpose, the patients were getting better, programs were growing, as was our garden, and surprise! So was our family!!! In all these things we felt our hearts filled with the joy of our lifetime. The joy of impoverished missionary dreams coming true, the joy of significance. In all these things we thanked God for the joy of service.
The fourth year of missionary service never came. Cut short by an untimely diagnosis of metastatic cancer we were discharged from service abroad into the dark night of the soul. Holding her new baby in one hand and her fallen hair in the other, Shallena wept for the loss of dreams and loved ones. She knew the prognosis, but defied the sentiment. Unwilling to leave any stone unturned that could give her more time with her family, she did it all. For six and a half years she fasted, drank vegetable juice, took chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, supplements, fever baths, naturopathic programs here and there, IVC, curcumin, broccoli sprouts, you name it, she probably tried it at least once. Through all of this fiery trial she always came back to the God she loved, and with each wave her love and commitment to God and those she loved deepened. We struggled on, and in all of these hard things we were constrained to admit God’s faithfulness.
Then the day came…ten years after naming the blog, it was time to say goodbye. It was a rainy day, and the hospice nurse gave me a knowing look and said death was “imminent”. She gave me instructions and left. It was just me and Shallena and a long goodbye that I didn’t want to say. As I watched death creep over her face I held her hand and sang her songs and read her Bible verses. I tried to do it right, but felt like such a failure. Too soon the last gasp came, and she was gone. Gone gone. For a minute my grief was unbridled as reality punched me in the gut. I wailed as if the pent up years of the dark night all burst forth in an instant. I faltered…”In all these things…?” My wife dead…my children motherless……?
The following days brought many tears, many friends, many decisions and much loneliness. The evening talks became evening laments. In the place of a life partner, God gave me silence and quiet, and in the sea of raw and desperate grief He became my anchor. I learned that you can have so much pain that you think you cannot stand, but stand you do. You can feel so lonely that you will never be comforted, but comfort comes. You can feel so much sorrow that you think you will never smile again, but one day a smile surprises your face. Oh…in the tears, the pain, the loneliness, the ache, in all these things God - the good gentle and loving One - held my heart and steadied my broken soul. He became the friend that loves at all times, and the consolation at midnight, the substance of life instead of someone to talk about. The healer in place of doctrines, the best of life instead of an obligation. The lover of my soul - an imminent personal mysterious transcendence that is both known and incomprehensible, but above all faithful, gentle, and good; always working together all these things.
Slowly healing came. A smile, a laugh, a song, a snowball fight and a hand hewn log. Life re-emerged to see the first rays of the dawn. The weeping had endured for every last minute of the night, but joy was coming…
And then she came!!! I was not prepared for the outburst of joy that follows deepest sorrow. It had been a year of mourning, and I was ready. She was sweet, demure, intelligent, and beautiful. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. You wouldn’t have been able to either. As I came to see the rare and stunning beauty of her soul, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The more I knew her, the happier I was! When I told her my sad story, she wept my tears. When I told her my problems, she listened. When I told her I loved her, she said she loved me too. She said she loves me too!!! SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME TOO!!!!! As one chapter of life had closed, another was opening. As Shallena had loved and given her life for our family, now another was coming into our lives to share God’s goodness. In all these things…all of them…God has been so faithful to me and my family.
As God is faithful, life moves forward. It is time for a new chapter in our family. We will always remember Shallena, but now there is a new beautiful woman in our lives. I am so excited to see how God works all these things together for good as He has promised. Carolina is one-of-a-kind special, and I thank God every day that she is in my life. Thank you for celebrating the goodness of God with me.
This blog is a chronicle of God’s faithfulness in all things. He has been good to me and my family. This blog was also the product of a relationship that has been paused, and so it will be as well. We know we will see Shallena again when God makes all things new, and we look forward to that with anticipation. But now we are chronicling God’s faithfulness in a new story, a different blog if you will. In all these things He is good, and in all these things my family and I will serve the Lord.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 NIV
