Tough. Strong. Brave. Courageous. I’ve got this. I can handle it, after all, I have a very good life. I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself.
And then…
Intimacy.
I stand undressed before my husband. He hugs me as insubordinate tears flood my eyes. Does he realize that I don’t want this, yet I desperately need this? Subconsciously I avoid intimacy with him. It’s too painful, it releases bulging emotions that I try to keep zippered shut. Emotions so strong I can’t speak, the sobbing is so hard, so deep.
Fear. I feel fear. Fear of what I want with all my heart. Fear despite our desperate precautions, because pregnancy could mean death for me, or our baby, or both.
I look down at my swollen body, twenty-five pounds heavier now than before chemo and steroids began pulsing through my veins. My face is shaped like the moon. Curves are where straights should be. Scars litter my abdomen. Sweet round breasts with soft nipples are replaced with long jagged indentations. I feel so unfeminine, so unattractive, so undesirable. Ashamed.
Choking, I attempt to explain to Jamie, but he stops me.
“Sweetheart, I want you. These scars are our scars; monuments of what we’ve been through together. I love you, and…
Baby, you still light my fire!”
He loves me. He has seen my vulnerability, sensed my insecurity, and covered my shame with his acceptance and love. He lives his vows with integrity, to love me in sickness and in health. We both grow stronger because of his love.
Maybe you don’t have cancer, but most of us don’t get through life without hurt. We put on our game faces, convinced that we have ourselves and our lives under control, trying to deny the naked truth that we are weak, limited, vulnerable. Things happen that we cannot control. Maybe you lose a house or a loved one to a wildfire or earthquake. Maybe your spouse or significant other walks away and never looks back. Maybe indescribable evil hurts you, or worse—your child. Maybe you’ve made choices that hurt yourself or others, and you feel ashamed. Maybe you’ve decided that God doesn’t exist, and just when you’re desperate you cry out to Him, and then you feel ashamed again. He doesn’t worry about that. He has made a commitment to love you in sickness and in health, and He has already died to show you that He will keep His word to you at all costs. It is His joy to cover your shame with His love! God loves you more than you can comprehend, and He wants you.
"'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.” Ezekiel 16:8
