Original post:
"Call me..."
It is one of those unnerving moments when you can't find the door fast enough.
"What is it sweetie?"
"They said it has spread to my brain, that there is pressure and bleeding, and that I have to go to the ER now."
The news that came about a month ago was not entirely unexpected, but it was characteristically more dramatic than we had hoped. Shallena had been feeling concerning symptoms for several weeks, and when they didn't resolve we knew something was wrong. First blurry vision, then a bad headache, and more recently she had been losing the ability to walk.
There have been some uplifts in our three year cancer journey, but from a disease progression standpoint it has mostly been down. Different chemotherapy treatments have staved off the tumors for a few months, but when they stop working, the cancer seems to come back more ravenous than before, and with each worsening cycle comes the threat of disability and death. We have tried countless "alternative" treatments as well with similar unsatisfactory results. It is easy to think this is a losing battle when we look at what cancer is doing right now.
But thankfully there is another reality. I almost said something that sounded voluntary like another "perspective" or "paradigm", but this is so overpowering that it is not really even a choice to acknowledge it. It is what I call the "march of the kingdom".
While with blurry eyes I have watched my wife's physical health deteriorate over the last couple months, there has been a countercurrent. I think it started about three months ago when one groggy night (which we have had a lot of recently), she said to me, "Jesus is my Savior". Shallena has dedicated her life to Jesus from a young age, and together we have no higher joy and calling than to follow Him, but this was a new and deeper experience. The Savior had come closer and touched her heart in a more personal sense than before, and it gave us both a heaven sent dose of much needed joy and peace.
Then a few weeks later Shallena described how during a walk one day, God lifted off her shoulders pain and regrets that she had carried for decades. She had pled for them to be taken before, but now they were. Healing, forgiveness, and heaven-sent freedom!
More recently while reading inspiration, God has spoken straight to her heart from John 14, the Psalms, and the blessings in Deuteronomy. Actually, the faithfulness of God as documented in the Bible has become her lifeblood, and she is visibly animated by the account of His goodness. Even though at times with severe headaches and blurry vision it has been hard to read, she consistently endures the struggle, because it feeds her soul.
I think from the beginning of our unexpected cancer story, we have tried to find the blessings and silver linings. But now, it's like Shallena isn't trying anymore. She doesn't have to. God has been moving on her spirit in such a gentle but persuasive way that her gratitude is reflexive and contagious.
Even while she has endured brain surgery, piles of drugs, and the somewhat depressing options for further treatment, the love of God has overpowered her. (See "He loves me" post from 7/11).
This makes me think of what Paul says in 1 Cor 4:16: "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day." (NLT).
And so, even while it could be easy to be discouraged with our situation (and at times we are), it is also difficult for me to not be taken with the patient protracted tsunami of grace that God is washing over our family during this time. His kingdom is marching on, and we can't do anything other than join in the celebration with grateful tears. Please don't understand me to say that we have given up hope that Shallena can be healed. Not at all! Paradoxically, our hope has never been more settled. But the healing of the spirit - so evident over the last few months - is the signature of the Great Physician fast at work, steadily doing those miracles for which we have been praying. I also expect she will be putting those bright pink running shoes back on soon!
Thank you to all those walking this road with us. Thank you for standing with us, kneeling with us, weeping with us, breaking with us, and loving us. I could write a whole other blog about the way God's grace has reached out and soothed our wounds through the kindness of family, friends, and strangers who have become some of our dearest traveling companions. Lastly, thank you tonight for celebrating the march of the Kingdom of Heaven with us. We pray that His kingdom is marching forward in you too.
"God's kingdom isn't something you can see...God's kingdom is here with you." Luke 17:20,21 CEV.
