In All Things

Twelve years ago, my late wife Shallena and I sat down to have an important discussion.  We were excited, our life dream was coming true and in just a few short months we would be leaving the United States to live in Africa and work in a rural mission hospital.  We had no plans for a permanent return as we both felt this was our life calling.  What would our story be?  What was ahead of us?  We wanted to start a blog to share the journey.  We knew there would be good, and we knew there would be bad, and we knew the promise that God would work it all together for good if we remained faithful to Him.  What should we call our blog…?  After a few tries we came up with “In All Things”.  It was the right title.  “In all things we are more than conquerors”, “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him”. It had a Romans 8 feel that we could correlate to our unknown and untold stories.  We wanted the good and the bad to point to God as we chronicled his faithfulness in the sun and in the rain.

And so we set off…I still remember selling our minivan in the afternoon and boarding the SuperShuttle for LAX at night.  Our earthly possessions in 8 suitcases, and a container floating somewhere across the Atlantic.  It was a dream come true, a transition, a loss, a gain, and we looked forward with expectation to God’s faithfulness in all things.

Well, the first year was a rude awakening.  We struggled, we cried, we vomited, we ran, and by ran, I mean the kind of ran you did when you had the runs.  Hopefully you ran fast enough!  We admitted our little two-year-old Abi to the hospital, we grew a garden, we donated a lot of money - some voluntarily, most involuntarily.  We learned the hospital and the people, and at the end of the year we were worn out and ready for a break.  Then Shallena received her first diagnosis of early stage breast cancer.  We struggled, but after the 6 months of recovery, we looked back and forward with more faith and expectation than ever.  God had taken us through all those things, and we were ready to return to the work.

The second and third years saw our smile.  As we survived the first, we thrived the third.  The hospital was growing, the staff had a sense of purpose, the patients were getting better, programs were growing, as was our garden, and surprise!  So was our family!!! In all these things we felt our hearts filled with the joy of our lifetime.  The joy of impoverished missionary dreams coming true, the joy of significance.  In all these things we thanked God for the joy of service.

The fourth year of missionary service never came.  Cut short by an untimely diagnosis of metastatic cancer we were discharged from service abroad into the dark night of the soul.  Holding her new baby in one hand and her fallen hair in the other, Shallena wept for the loss of dreams and loved ones.  She knew the prognosis, but defied the sentiment.  Unwilling to leave any stone unturned that could give her more time with her family, she did it all.  For six and a half years she fasted, drank vegetable juice, took chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, supplements, fever baths, naturopathic programs here and there, IVC, curcumin, broccoli sprouts, you name it, she probably tried it at least once.  Through all of this fiery trial she always came back to the God she loved, and with each wave her love and commitment to God and those she loved deepened.  We struggled on, and in all of these hard things we were constrained to admit God’s faithfulness.

Then the day came…ten years after naming the blog, it was time to say goodbye.  It was a rainy day, and the hospice nurse gave me a knowing look and said death was “imminent”.  She gave me instructions and left.  It was just me and Shallena and a long goodbye that I didn’t want to say.  As I watched death creep over her face I held her hand and sang her songs and read her Bible verses.  I tried to do it right, but felt like such a failure.  Too soon the last gasp came, and she was gone.  Gone gone.  For a minute my grief was unbridled as reality punched me in the gut.  I wailed as if the pent up years of the dark night all burst forth in an instant.  I faltered…”In all these things…?”  My wife dead…my children motherless……?

The following days brought many tears, many friends, many decisions and much loneliness.  The evening talks became evening laments.  In the place of a life partner, God gave me silence and quiet, and in the sea of raw and desperate grief He became my anchor.  I learned that you can have so much pain that you think you cannot stand, but stand you do.  You can feel so lonely that you will never be comforted, but comfort comes.  You can feel so much sorrow that you think you will never smile again, but one day a smile surprises your face.  Oh…in the tears, the pain, the loneliness, the ache, in all these things God - the good gentle and loving One - held my heart and steadied my broken soul.  He became the friend that loves at all times, and the consolation at midnight, the substance of life instead of someone to talk about. The healer in place of doctrines, the best of life instead of an obligation.  The lover of my soul - an imminent personal mysterious transcendence that is both known and incomprehensible, but above all faithful, gentle, and good; always working together all these things.

Slowly healing came. A smile, a laugh, a song, a snowball fight and a hand hewn log.   Life re-emerged to see the first rays of the dawn.  The weeping had endured for every last minute of the night, but joy was coming…

And then she came!!!  I was not prepared for the outburst of joy that follows deepest sorrow.  It had been a year of mourning, and I was ready.  She was sweet, demure, intelligent, and beautiful.  I was so excited I couldn’t sleep.  You wouldn’t have been able to either.  As I came to see the rare and stunning beauty of her soul, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  The more I knew her, the happier I was!  When I told her my sad story, she wept my tears.  When I told her my problems, she listened.  When I told her I loved her, she said she loved me too.  She said she loves me too!!! SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME TOO!!!!! As one chapter of life had closed, another was opening.  As Shallena had loved and given her life for our family, now another was coming into our lives to share God’s goodness.  In all these things…all of them…God has been so faithful to me and my family.  

I want to say a big heartfelt thank you to those who have prayed for us over our sojourn.  We all miss Shallena, and we cannot forget her love and devotion to us, for it has formed and changed all of us.  Her legacy lives on in the bright eyes of my children and in their solid honest goodness.  But she is no longer with us, and God has brought us love and joy and music now through Carolina.  

As God is faithful, life moves forward.  It is time for a new chapter in our family.  We will always remember Shallena, but now there is a new beautiful woman in our lives.  I am so excited to see how God works all these things together for good as He has promised.  Carolina is one-of-a-kind special, and I thank God every day that she is in my life.  Thank you for celebrating the goodness of God with me.

This blog is a chronicle of God’s faithfulness in all things.  He has been good to me and my family.  This blog was also the product of a relationship that has been paused, and so it will be as well.  We know we will see Shallena again when God makes all things new, and we look forward to that with anticipation.  But now we are chronicling God’s faithfulness in a new story, a different blog if you will.  In all these things He is good, and in all these things my family and I will serve the Lord.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭37‬-‭39‬ NIV

 

The Gentle Ways of God

 

Today it has been a year since the rainy January afternoon when I held the hand of my love as she took her final breath.  As I reflect on this chapter of my life which in many ways has closed, it is really the gentleness of God that stands out to me and my family as He has led us down this path.  I would like to share a few parts of the story that have given us strength along the way.

Our first year working at a rural mission hospital in Malawi was coming to an end, and we were preparing for our first long awaited return to the United States. One day our good friend Sharlene had a dream.  In the dream she saw that I was crying big man tears and mourning the loss of Shallena and our Malawi home.  On the same night I had a dream that we had to return to the United States unexpectedly.  One or two months later (I cannot remember now), Shallena received the news that she had aggressive Stage 0 Breast Cancer.  After surgery and recovery, we returned to Malawi six months later.  Now, why did we have those dreams?  Why was the premonition given that something would go wrong?  I see it as the gentle ways of God.

Three and a half years later Shallena had returned to the United States before me to prepare to have our third baby!  Our life was coming together – we had settled into our mission, we had our third baby on the way, our relationship was as strong and settled as ever, and we were so excited!  Before the baby came she had an ultrasound that showed two spots on her liver…old fears came rushing back, and while we tried to explain it away, three weeks later, and one week after our little Caleb was born, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.  Why were we given the warning?  I see it as the gentle ways of God.

Our family relocated back to the United States where we were cared for by family, friends and strangers.  We received food, housing, notes, cards, encouragement, a not insignificant amount of money, and everything else we needed to set up a new life in America. One friend in particular (who Shallena had never met in person), obedient to God’s impressions, started writing her specific encouraging messages that gave her strength for the entirety of her 6-year journey with metastatic cancer.  Then there were the other friends that we had never met who packaged up food and froze it, and then sent it to us on dry ice.  I can still remember those big, insulated boxes on our doorstep – we still have a couple of the green smoothies in our freezer.  You may call this coincidence or community – I call it the gentle ways of God.

As Shallena’s cancer got worse, and treatments began to take their toll on her health, her ability to have deep spiritual insights or conversations decreased.  She always read the Bible, and loved the Psalms, but I still remember a season when she was overcome with God’s goodness and personal love for her (something she had struggled with at times).  Just a month or so before her first brain surgery she settled into it.  “He loves me” was the simple song of her soul, but that settling gave her peace through surgery, as well as for the journey.  You may call this making peace or settling, I call it the gentle ways of God.

A little less than a year and a half before Shallena died, she had a stroke.  Just prior to her stroke, she had received bad news about the progression of her cancer with diminishing options for treatment.  This weighed on her mother’s heart as her single greatest desire was to raise her children.  In frustration and desperation, she called out to God – just like David in the psalms.  In acquiescence she left what she could not control to His sovereignty.  Five days later she had a stroke.  Now the stroke is a major pivot in our family’s timeline.  When mommy came home from having a stroke, she looked pretty normal, but was not the same.  She was more than happy for Caleb to have 5 deserts, to take a shower for one and a half hours, and eat a whole apple pie.  Her brain had been damaged, and that was a challenge to all of us, but she also lost the deep and acute anxiety over her personal welfare as well as the loss of her children’s future.  In her natural state, she would have suffered intensely as she lost her vitality.  In a sense, the stroke relieved from her the heavy weight and anxiety of her mortality.  It also gave our family a transition period where we could learn to function without the mommy who used to do everything in our home.  You may call this the progression of cancer – I call it the gentle ways of God.

Then a year later Shallena was in dire straits with uncontrolled brain metastases.  Her strength and brain were failing as we feebly struggled to keep hope alive.  A second brain surgery was done to remove a large tumor.  After this surgery she no longer had any anxiety about her condition.  However, she then had a third brain surgery as there was swelling in her brain which was causing headaches.  After the third surgery she did not have any cancer-related pain. You may call this modern medicine; I call it the gentle ways of God.

Despite the surgeries and treatments, her condition deteriorated.  When she could not talk, she still joined us in our songs for evening worship in the hospital.  Then the day came for her to be discharged home on hospice.  It was the day after Thanksgiving, and despite all the time I had to prepare, I was sad and emotionally unprepared.  I feared what the day would mean, but it was time.  Then early that morning – around 4 or 5 am, I had a brief dream.  I dreamed I was sitting in my chair in our bedroom when suddenly a strong wind started to blow.  This wind was mighty but not terrifying.  It lifted me from the chair I was sitting in and instantaneously launched me into the air.  As I flew, the only thought that I could think of was, “Lord, help me to be faithful”.  I awoke and knew that my life was changing, but that the power of God would hold me.  I went through hospice with a peace and calm I did not have the day before.  You may call it a dream; I call it the gentle ways of God.

The gentleness continues.  Now one year after losing Shallena our family mourns her absence, but we also remember her beauty.  Her sweet laughter, sassy smile, blunt honesty, deep loyalty, love of children and nature, and her faithfulness to God.  There is still a big vacant place here, but by God’s grace we move forward together.  God has given our family joy during sorrow - making music together, a growing farm (both animals and plants), just the right people at just the right time (with just the right food 😊) to help walk us through this journey. Through it all, the dark and the light, He promises to “make all things beautiful” in His time.  So, this year as we remember the loss of Shallena, we also celebrate the goodness of the God she loved and look forward to the beauty that is coming!

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart…” Eccl 3:11.