Honestly Speaking

A friend sent me some homemade split pea soup (one of my favorites) with this written on the package: "Disappointments are His appointments! Change the D for an H!" 

November 25 will mark three and half years since I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. Until August, I have remained positive in general, hoping all things, believing all things are possible.

Since then I have struggled. Chemo always makes me feel depressed, so I expected that. This particular chemo seems to magnify that feeling. Worse than chemo are the head symptoms. They overwhelm me sometimes, and they have been increasing. We want so many things.

1. To make it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without the symptoms increasing dramatically, so that we don't need to begin a new treatment during this time. From this position, that is looking unlikely unless God intervenes.

2. I want to be a "present" mother and wife, not distracted by my symptoms. This is a continuous daily struggle.

3. And as you know, with every ounce of me, I want to be the mother to my children until they are grown, and longer, if God gives it to us.

I plead with God: 

"There are so many motherless children. Why should there be more?" 

"Who will praise you from the grave?"

"Lord save me, I perish!"

"Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

"Father in heaven, it hurts terribly to have my beautiful husband and children deal with chronic worry because of me." 

"I know You are able to heal me. You gave everything to heal me. I don't deserve what so many others haven't received, and I can do nothing but ask. Please heal me. My only hope is You." 

"Dear God, please show me what to do next. I need guidance. I'm not wise enough to know for myself, and no one on earth can "cure" this disease. Please lead us."

"Father in heaven, Creator of heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in therm, why has it been so long? Three and a half years is not long to you, but it is to us. Lord, I'm so weary. Please give me strength. Please heal my brain. Enable me to remember my children."

"Father God in heaven, how will Jamie be both daddy and mommy to our two boys and one daughter while he also has to work?"

"God, I think I am the best option to be my children's mommy--You gave them to me! But You know more than I do. Please hold my children and Jamie close to Your heart."

"Lord, You know that so many people believe that You will heal me. So many are praying. May this be a testimony of Your power, whatever is best."

"God, please give me Your Holy Spirit, that if I must leave my children, I leave them with an example of faith, hope, and love. And if you give me more time on this earth, I can teach them to trust You more, with wisdom that You give me."

"Dear God, I surrender again, for the thousandth time, my need to be in control. I cannot control this. I'm so discouraged that anything will. I still know and believe that You can heal me if You are willing."

Then I think of how He has given me three and a half years, and Jamie and I are so grateful. Oncologists are moving towards treating this as a chronic disease, which is encouraging. I remember all you who pray for us, help us, and wish us so much good will and healing. I read of how Jesus lived just like you and me, and how He endured three and a half years of challenges and hardships--then He died. He died for your healing and for mine. "By His stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5.) It cost Him everything to heal you and me, and He wants us to accept the gift of life from His hands. His will is abundantly clear. When He was on this earth, He healed entire villages until no one was left ill. Not one person! Why this doesn't happen as much now I cannot say. 

We are told that the prayer of faith will save the sick. Thank you so very much for praying for our family, for me, for my husband who gives me so much love, and our treasured children. Right now they are sitting with me at the fireplace, writing and drawing their own stories. Such precious time! I pray this moment remains in their minds and in mine, forever.

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned , they will be forgiven." James 5:15. What hope! What promise!