Not Afraid

“I am not afraid to die from cancer” said my beautiful, young, healthy wife.  Recent scans and discussions with oncologists had brought one of these discussions back around, “I just worry about my children”. 

It has been just over two years since Shallena was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer.  A diagnosis that changed our home, our job, our future, our security, our finances…pretty much everything in the material world.  While at different steps we have been given very different prognoses – from months to decades – one thing was clear: its worse now than it has ever been before.  While the facts forced our mortality to weigh upon us, the reality of our situation felt different this time. 

There have been many bumps in this road.  The first bump came after her first diagnosis of breast cancer in 2013.   It scared us more than the medical community thought it should have, as it was “only DCIS”—breast cancer stage 0.  We eventually recovered, and surgery gave us another chance at life. Then the second bump came one week after our baby Caleb was born – breast cancer stage 4 with liver metastases.  This was a big bump because it meant our life as we loved it would have to change.  We gave up (very unwillingly) our mission, our home, our pets, etc…and moved back to the United States.  The third bump was when chemotherapy stopped working.  We decided for a “chemo holiday”, but we were really not inclined to go back to toxic treatment as it had been very hard on Shallena, and had destroyed her quality of life.  The last, but most recent bump was a few weeks ago when we learned that the cancer had come back more aggressive than ever, with large metastases in the liver which were already causing dysfunction. 

Each bump brings its own cycle.  We feel sad, discouraged, we start to reorganize, make a plan, and then go forward with hope.  Its like riding a roller coaster, which is not really my thing. 

As we have talked together during this time of reprocessing, a few common themes have crystallized for us:

1.        We have been blessed.  I could not list in 50 pages the number of blessings that we have received going through this experience.  From new friends, to new mentors, to prayer partners, a new job with new colleagues, a new house, new pets….God has been faithful to us and while we would not wish this situation on friend nor foe, we have been blessed through it.  Thank you to so many of you who have been part of that blessing.  We miss our mission in Malawi, but we accept this transition with all the opportunities that have come with it.

2.       The power of death has been broken.   The discussions between my wife and I are different these days – as you may expect.  The other night she told me, “I’m not afraid to die -- I will just go to sleep until Jesus wakes me up”.   It was simply spoken, but when the truth like this is spoken by the favorite person in your life, it has a different kind of power.  For me it was a reminder that as a Christian my eggs cannot all be in this basket I call planet earth.  If we are part of that long lineage of the faithful, then we are “pilgrims and strangers on the earth” Hebrews 11:13, looking for a better land.  I fear that in a land of relative security and plenteous material wealth, it is easy to forget that this fallen world is not home.  At times – times when we least expect it – God allows the unthinkable to help remind us that heaven is where we belong.  I can tell you today, we’ve never had more eggs in the heaven basket, and it is a blessing.  I thank God from the bottom of my heart.

3.       No fear.  Part of one of my most recent blessings was to spend a week in Michigan with a group of returning missionaries.  I felt the connection from the start.  It will always be a special event in our memory.  We shared our stories of miracles, providential leading, unresolved conflict, and personal pain.  Every missionary has that list.  One day I was eating lunch with some new friends, and as we shared our stories I felt a sense of God’s presence.  One of them was a pastor who had been working in the Middle East.  He ultimately had to return home because of a malignancy which had caused the loss of a limb.  The other one was a pastor who had actually gone to the mission field (in Central America) at the same time as us.  His wife was suffering with a neurodegenerative disease which has left her in a wheelchair and completely dependent on others to care for her.  There we sat –  three broken and crippled missionary families that had to come home due to unexpected serious health conditions – on the outside looking very much like the enemy was winning.   But on the inside….I’ll never forget how I felt on the inside as we all shared our mutual experience.  It had been hard, and we all had uncertainties about our future on earth, but we were all gaining a depth of peace that could not be challenged by the unexpected chaos of this world.  In some way for each of us, it had already happened.  Despite the difficulties, loss, and insecure earthly future -- together we were waiting for God to do exactly what He has promised and work all this together for good.

I’m not going to say that we thank God every day when we are living in the details of this experience, but overall – when we step back and look at the trajectory of our lives – we thank God for what He has done in these experiences.  We are walking through the valley of the shadow of death – but it is here that we get saved and God teaches us to fear no evil.  I fully believe that when I stand face to face with my Savior, that I will thank Him for the valley of the shadow of death.  He is teaching me to fear no evil. 

4.       Two Years.   I can’t count on one hand the number of times in the last several weeks that Shallena and I have been overcome with gratitude for the last two years we have had together.  You may know that two years is the average life expectancy for a woman diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and so by now out of 100 women who had been diagnosed with her problem, fifty would not still be alive.  What can we say?  We have traveled the United States seeing friends and family.  Shallena has been a wife and a mother, and for most of the time (except the six months on chemotherapy), she has felt, looked, and acted very healthy.  Many of you have told me how good she looks, and I couldn't agree more!!  We are so grateful for that time, and we are very aware that it could have been different.  We are hoping for more miracles, and at least 20 x 2 more years, but we also realize that we cannot only ask and take from the hand of God.  We also have to come back and say thank you.  Thank you, Lord for the wonderful last two years of life with Shallena.  She is a wonderful gift to all of us, and we treasure every day we get!

5.       Help.  We continue to ask for help.  I am tired of it, and feel like most of you are probably tired of hearing it, but the truth is, we still need it.  Thank you for those who lift us up in prayer.  Thank you for the notes, messages, cards, phone calls and every other communication that has lifted our spirits.  Many days the clouds of discouragement have been swept away by a ray of light that has come through your care and concern for us – pointing us again to the King, and away from the raging sea.  Thank you to the scores of you who have brought us food, gift cards, advice, and even money to help out in our transition.  You have carried us, and over and over again, we have felt the miraculous provision of God through you.  But today I would like to ask for a little more help – maybe a different flavor…

Since our unexpected return from the “mission field”, we have felt that this struggle is bigger than us. That we do not fight against “flesh and blood”, and that we are caught in the middle of a great controversy between good and evil.  We especially felt this come into play when we had to leave Malamulo Hospital where we felt like the kingdom of heaven was advancing.  So, as we feel the loss, we are determined that this battle is not lost for the kingdom of heaven.  What I am requesting is that you join together with us in this great controversy against the kingdom of darkness.  How can you do that?  First and foremost by surrendering your life to Jesus and following where He leads.  This is always a victory for the kingdom of heaven as you cross over from darkness to light.  If anyone has questions about how this happens, I would be honored to share with you.  Second, once you have given yourself to His kingdom, then live by the raw counter-cultural principles of the kingdom of heaven – forgive somebody who does not deserve it, love your enemy, apologize for something you did, live generously, and practice reflexive grace.  The enemy is busy wreaking havoc in our world, it is time for us to be busy advancing the kingdom of heaven in our own lives.  We will together ask for God's miracles to continue in Shallena's life -- but today I am also asking that His miraculous grace will take over mine so that in the middle of this dark valley the enemy's cause is worsened for the destruction He has tried to sow.
  
"Who can separate us from the love of Christ?  Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us." Romans 8:35,37.