Wiggly Toes

The time has come.  I didn’t want it to come, Shallena didn’t want it to come.  Our children and families didn’t want it to come, and it seems that most of the known world standing in solidarity with us - all you kindhearted people - also didn’t want it to come.

Nonetheless, the time has come and Shallena will be discharged home on hospice tomorrow - Thanksgiving Day 2022.

Hospice was always perceived as a bad word to Shallena.  All of the strength of her  independence and fire of her love would wilt into soft broken sadness when she heard the word.  She knew she did not control her ultimate destiny, but she was bound and determined to do every single last thing she could - no matter the personal sacrifice - if it meant that she would have a little more time with her children.  I suppose a lot of that has to do with being a young mom with young children.  It also has a lot to do with being Shallena.  

I have had many people tell me that Shallena is the strongest person they know.  I have to agree.  She never ran a marathon, or even a 5K to my knowledge.  We used to joke about how if we were bumper sticker people we would put a “0.0” on the back of our car.  In fact, she has had to fight to maintain the ability to walk over the last few years - but therein lies her strength.  

Shallena has never stopped recovering.  Whether from multitudinous chemo infusions that number somewhere in the hundreds, three brain surgeries, three breast surgeries, or the three different episodes of radiation, she has never stopped.  She has never given up.  Her fierce love - a deeply spiritual heritage from her God, her family, and her faith - always pushed her forward.  There could be no conversation about giving up as it could not be considered.  

Over the last few months as basic mobility has become a challenge, part of Shallena’s rehab has been doing leg exercises.  These exercises start with wiggling your toes, bending you ankles, lifting your knees…etc.  I would often walk in the room to see her wiggling her toes as she sat in the chair…exercising…recovering again.  She would look up at me with a twinkle in her eyes and a sweet smile on her face that said, “See, I’m getting better, again!”

I love the Therapists that have worked with Shallena - PT, OT, Speech Therapy.  They are her kind of people - “it’s time to get you back on your feet!”  “It’s time to get you going up stairs”, “I’m going to help you get better”.  They have seen her in the hospital, charted her progress twice in Rehab, and come to our house always helping Shallena to get better.  Most of their daily exercises start with wiggling the toes.

The last few days have been sobering.  Shallena has vacillated between sleepy to conscious to nearly unresponsive. We as her family have been talking about last treatment options and hospice, but she has not been able to participate in this discussion.  A couple days ago, as we came out of one of those meetings, I came back to see her…

“Hi Shallena, how are you?” 

No response, eyes closed.

“Are you feeling any pain, sweetie?”

No response, eyes closed.

“Let me see if your feet are warm”

I pulled back the blanket, and there were those cheerful wiggly toes just going back and forth!  

Even as I write this, and she appears to be sleeping peacefully, her toes are there wiggling away under the blanket - inviting me to come help her get better again.

Such is the strength of the indomitable spirit of Shallena.  Her body may fail her, but she will not give up.  I halfway expect her to wake up at home on hospice, whack me upside the head and say, “how dare you give up?!”

I have never loved Shallena more.  This is a time filled with emotion for all of our family.  Modern medicine has given us what it had to offer, and that - with the grace of God and Shallena’s perseverance - has given us six and a half years.  Now we take her home to where we submit her care to the Almighty.   We are His, Shallena is His, and He is good.  Therefore we do not need to fear, but we are very sad.  One thing is sure - as long as she has life and strength, she is not going to stop wiggling those sweet toes!

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength”. Isaiah 40:31