Today it has been a year since the rainy January afternoon when I held the hand of my love as she took her final breath. As I reflect on this chapter of my life which in many ways has closed, it is really the gentleness of God that stands out to me and my family as He has led us down this path. I would like to share a few parts of the story that have given us strength along the way.
Our first year working at a rural mission hospital in Malawi
was coming to an end, and we were preparing for our first long awaited return
to the United States. One day our good friend Sharlene had a dream. In the dream she saw that I was crying big
man tears and mourning the loss of Shallena and our Malawi home. On the same night I had a dream that we had
to return to the United States unexpectedly.
One or two months later (I cannot remember now), Shallena received the
news that she had aggressive Stage 0 Breast Cancer. After surgery and recovery, we returned to
Malawi six months later. Now, why did we
have those dreams? Why was the
premonition given that something would go wrong? I see it as the gentle ways of God.
Three and a half years later Shallena had returned to the
United States before me to prepare to have our third baby! Our life was coming together – we had settled
into our mission, we had our third baby on the way, our relationship was as
strong and settled as ever, and we were so excited! Before the baby came she had an ultrasound
that showed two spots on her liver…old fears came rushing back, and while we
tried to explain it away, three weeks later, and one week after our little
Caleb was born, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. Why were we given the warning? I see it as the gentle ways of God.
Our family relocated back to the United States where we were
cared for by family, friends and strangers.
We received food, housing, notes, cards, encouragement, a not
insignificant amount of money, and everything else we needed to set up a new
life in America. One friend in particular (who Shallena had never met in
person), obedient to God’s impressions, started writing her specific
encouraging messages that gave her strength for the entirety of her 6-year
journey with metastatic cancer. Then
there were the other friends that we had never met who packaged up food and
froze it, and then sent it to us on dry ice.
I can still remember those big, insulated boxes on our doorstep – we
still have a couple of the green smoothies in our freezer. You may call this coincidence or community –
I call it the gentle ways of God.
As Shallena’s cancer got worse, and treatments began to take
their toll on her health, her ability to have deep spiritual insights or
conversations decreased. She always read
the Bible, and loved the Psalms, but I still remember a season when she was
overcome with God’s goodness and personal love for her (something she had
struggled with at times). Just a month
or so before her first brain surgery she settled into it. “He loves me” was the simple song of her
soul, but that settling gave her peace through surgery, as well as for the
journey. You may call this making peace
or settling, I call it the gentle ways of God.
A little less than a year and a half before Shallena died,
she had a stroke. Just prior to her
stroke, she had received bad news about the progression of her cancer with
diminishing options for treatment. This
weighed on her mother’s heart as her single greatest desire was to raise her
children. In frustration and desperation,
she called out to God – just like David in the psalms. In acquiescence she left what she could not
control to His sovereignty. Five days
later she had a stroke. Now the stroke
is a major pivot in our family’s timeline.
When mommy came home from having a stroke, she looked pretty normal, but
was not the same. She was more than
happy for Caleb to have 5 deserts, to take a shower for one and a half hours,
and eat a whole apple pie. Her brain had
been damaged, and that was a challenge to all of us, but she also lost the deep
and acute anxiety over her personal welfare as well as the loss of her
children’s future. In her natural state,
she would have suffered intensely as she lost her vitality. In a sense, the stroke relieved from her the
heavy weight and anxiety of her mortality.
It also gave our family a transition period where we could learn to
function without the mommy who used to do everything in our home. You may call this the progression of cancer –
I call it the gentle ways of God.
Then a year later Shallena was in dire straits with
uncontrolled brain metastases. Her
strength and brain were failing as we feebly struggled to keep hope alive. A second brain surgery was done to remove a
large tumor. After this surgery she no
longer had any anxiety about her condition.
However, she then had a third brain surgery as there was swelling in her
brain which was causing headaches. After
the third surgery she did not have any cancer-related pain. You may call this
modern medicine; I call it the gentle ways of God.
Despite the surgeries and treatments, her condition
deteriorated. When she could not talk,
she still joined us in our songs for evening worship in the hospital. Then the day came for her to be discharged
home on hospice. It was the day after
Thanksgiving, and despite all the time I had to prepare, I was sad and
emotionally unprepared. I feared what
the day would mean, but it was time.
Then early that morning – around 4 or 5 am, I had a brief dream. I dreamed I was sitting in my chair in our
bedroom when suddenly a strong wind started to blow. This wind was mighty but not terrifying. It lifted me from the chair I was sitting in
and instantaneously launched me into the air.
As I flew, the only thought that I could think of was, “Lord, help me to
be faithful”. I awoke and knew that my
life was changing, but that the power of God would hold me. I went through hospice with a peace and calm
I did not have the day before. You may call
it a dream; I call it the gentle ways of God.
The gentleness continues.
Now one year after losing Shallena our family mourns her absence, but we
also remember her beauty. Her sweet
laughter, sassy smile, blunt honesty, deep loyalty, love of children and
nature, and her faithfulness to God. There
is still a big vacant place here, but by God’s grace we move forward
together. God has given our family joy during
sorrow - making music together, a growing farm (both animals and plants), just
the right people at just the right time (with just the right food 😊)
to help walk us through this journey. Through it all, the dark and the light, He
promises to “make all things beautiful” in His time. So, this year as we remember the loss of
Shallena, we also celebrate the goodness of the God she loved and look forward
to the beauty that is coming!
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…”
Eccl 3:11.
