Baby God

“Where is your God now?” a more-familiar-than-desired voice taunts inside my head. 

“You’ve prayed for healing for six years, and now your wife is dying.”

I want to deny any share in the genesis of this intrusive sentiment, but if I were honest, I own more than I would like to admit.  Over the last six years of living with metastatic breast cancer, I have prayed/pled/bargained/begged/fasted/wept to seek healing for my beautiful bride.  Every new round of chemo, all those tantalizing natural cancer cure protocols, anointing services, prayers of the faithful, vegetable juice, vitamin C, turmeric, Turkey Tail – an endless list of reasons to hope that we would find the elusive key to make the cancer disappear.  I would be remiss to negate the blessings and miracles we have experienced along the way (for they have been sundry), but the fact remains that tonight my wife labors to breathe with the aid of an oxygen concentrator – home on hospice.

Where is the God of the miraculous when the missionary wife you have prayed for can’t lift her head off her pillow? 

My mind knows He is here with us, and in my heart I believe that a miraculous healing would not be hard for Him.  No harder than it is for me to flip a pancake or open a door.   But sometimes it feels as though I am alone.  That I am not tracking with Him.  That in this murky grief, I reach for Him, but falter.

I don’t think I would have recognized Him then, either.  Unless I was specially favored to be a shepherd or a wise man, I would have missed him.  That night when the Baby God was born. 

Gods are supposed to be powerful.  Thunder and lightning bolts, legions of angels, supernatural strength, and otherworldly domination.  The gods order their dominion with uncontested might to subdue any inkling of rebellion.

How could a transcendent Deity be a baby?  No wonder things aren’t working out for me - a Baby God can’t solve the problems of the world – He couldn’t heal cancer or bring justice on earth, or squelch rebellion and sin…?

I am not a baby person.  I was the baby of the family, and so all those other kids didn’t really matter as they were more like competition than anything important.  Shallena has always been the opposite.  Babies have always been her world.  I can remember time after time when she would say to me, “look at that baby over there, isn’t that bow cute?” or “did you see what that little boy did?”  I was almost always in the middle of a thought that went something like, “…uhh…what?...no…there’s a baby?” I wish now I had shared these moments with her.

I just didn’t get it.  Even when we had our own, my attitude was more like, “Hey, why does the baby get all the attention around here…?”

She loved them.  She looked deep in their eyes, interpreted their subtleties, and connected with them from the youngest of ages.  They had a power of attraction over her that she could not resist.   Their purity, simplicity, innocence, and love captivated her.  Their winsome smiles and laughter magnetized her affections and mobilized her assets.  Once we had our own, there was nothing she would not give to take care of that little life that had joined ours.

So, there He is – the Baby God of Christmas– wrapped in swaddling clothes.  Ignored by the bustle.  Worshiped and venerated by the heavenly and a few faithful earthlings.  Why did they worship?  Why did everybody else miss it? 

I have always associated God with power.  I want a God that can order the universe, establish the right, heal cancer, and solve the earthly and galactic problems with finality.  I suppose this is a perfect set up for why I sometimes struggle to find God in my pain.  I don’t want pain, and therefore God should remove it.  I want Him to resolve my pain and give me what I want.  If He doesn’t, then I don’t recognize Him around here.

But the Baby God of Christmas has a different approach.  “God with us” didn’t erase all the problems of the sin-ridden sod.  He was hunted as an infant.  He grew up in poverty.  He was homeless.  His food came from friends and strangers.  He rode on a borrowed donkey.  He was the victim of an unjust system.  He owned one piece of clothing.  He endured false accusations and lying testimony.  He was beaten for wrongs He did not commit.  He was cruelly executed after being declared innocent.

This beautiful, humble, childlike God lived a harmless life on earth in purity, simplicity, innocence, and love.  He didn’t reverse the general order of this world, but He did introduce the new order of His kingdom.

“Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Matthew 18:1

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.” Matthew 18:3-5

That’s where Jesus is!  He’s over there with those insignificant children.  Shallena was right all along.  While I was hopelessly lost in ascending the ranks of the important ones (much like the dear disciples in this story), she was intently studying the kingdom of the Baby God.  These little precious ones more closely approximate the divine than all my Zeus and Shiva lookalikes.  Instead of looking for a Deity that would solve all our problems, she was relishing the joy of the imminent Immanuel.

Now I wouldn’t want to suggest that the beautiful Baby “God with us” can’t solve our problems.  On the contrary, “God with us” is the solution to all our problems. Sometimes He works miracles in the here and now, and I have no doubt He could do that for Shallena tonight.  Sometimes He allows the pain and loss for a season.  But do not be deceived - the childlike kingdom of the God Baby we celebrate this Christmas is snowballing. This kind of pure love cannot be overcome, and though the gates of Hell rail against it – they only magnify the goodness of it!  He wasn’t just a baby born of a virgin, He is a Divine Savior.  He guaranteed His promise of eternal safety with the shedding of His own blood. The power of sin and death has been broken, the grave has no hold on those who trust Him. This kingdom of kids – the government of the gentle, designed and secured by that sweet Baby of Bethlehem will grow until it fills all heaven and earth - an unstoppable force of grace.  “God with us” marches forward despite our brokenness and loss. And very soon we will see the Christmas Baby coming in the clouds to take us home.  “Amen. Even so, come Lord Jesus.” Revelation 22:20.

The oxygen concentrator is still huffing and puffing.  Shallena is still struggling.

“Where is your God now?” 

He is with us.  And I love Him so much.

Wiggly Toes

The time has come.  I didn’t want it to come, Shallena didn’t want it to come.  Our children and families didn’t want it to come, and it seems that most of the known world standing in solidarity with us - all you kindhearted people - also didn’t want it to come.

Nonetheless, the time has come and Shallena will be discharged home on hospice tomorrow - Thanksgiving Day 2022.

Hospice was always perceived as a bad word to Shallena.  All of the strength of her  independence and fire of her love would wilt into soft broken sadness when she heard the word.  She knew she did not control her ultimate destiny, but she was bound and determined to do every single last thing she could - no matter the personal sacrifice - if it meant that she would have a little more time with her children.  I suppose a lot of that has to do with being a young mom with young children.  It also has a lot to do with being Shallena.  

I have had many people tell me that Shallena is the strongest person they know.  I have to agree.  She never ran a marathon, or even a 5K to my knowledge.  We used to joke about how if we were bumper sticker people we would put a “0.0” on the back of our car.  In fact, she has had to fight to maintain the ability to walk over the last few years - but therein lies her strength.  

Shallena has never stopped recovering.  Whether from multitudinous chemo infusions that number somewhere in the hundreds, three brain surgeries, three breast surgeries, or the three different episodes of radiation, she has never stopped.  She has never given up.  Her fierce love - a deeply spiritual heritage from her God, her family, and her faith - always pushed her forward.  There could be no conversation about giving up as it could not be considered.  

Over the last few months as basic mobility has become a challenge, part of Shallena’s rehab has been doing leg exercises.  These exercises start with wiggling your toes, bending you ankles, lifting your knees…etc.  I would often walk in the room to see her wiggling her toes as she sat in the chair…exercising…recovering again.  She would look up at me with a twinkle in her eyes and a sweet smile on her face that said, “See, I’m getting better, again!”

I love the Therapists that have worked with Shallena - PT, OT, Speech Therapy.  They are her kind of people - “it’s time to get you back on your feet!”  “It’s time to get you going up stairs”, “I’m going to help you get better”.  They have seen her in the hospital, charted her progress twice in Rehab, and come to our house always helping Shallena to get better.  Most of their daily exercises start with wiggling the toes.

The last few days have been sobering.  Shallena has vacillated between sleepy to conscious to nearly unresponsive. We as her family have been talking about last treatment options and hospice, but she has not been able to participate in this discussion.  A couple days ago, as we came out of one of those meetings, I came back to see her…

“Hi Shallena, how are you?” 

No response, eyes closed.

“Are you feeling any pain, sweetie?”

No response, eyes closed.

“Let me see if your feet are warm”

I pulled back the blanket, and there were those cheerful wiggly toes just going back and forth!  

Even as I write this, and she appears to be sleeping peacefully, her toes are there wiggling away under the blanket - inviting me to come help her get better again.

Such is the strength of the indomitable spirit of Shallena.  Her body may fail her, but she will not give up.  I halfway expect her to wake up at home on hospice, whack me upside the head and say, “how dare you give up?!”

I have never loved Shallena more.  This is a time filled with emotion for all of our family.  Modern medicine has given us what it had to offer, and that - with the grace of God and Shallena’s perseverance - has given us six and a half years.  Now we take her home to where we submit her care to the Almighty.   We are His, Shallena is His, and He is good.  Therefore we do not need to fear, but we are very sad.  One thing is sure - as long as she has life and strength, she is not going to stop wiggling those sweet toes!

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength”. Isaiah 40:31

Trouble

I suppose you could call me a late bloomer, but I am just realizing, now that I have reached mid-life crisis zone, that I have spent most of my life trying to avoid trouble.

If fact, I don’t think it’s just me – I think most of us spend considerable time and money to avoid trouble.  Sometimes it would seem that with all of our modern conveniences that we live behind an impenetrable fortress where trouble cannot find us.  But it does.  Despite advances in science and technology, the testimony of scripture has not changed – “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” Romans 8:22.  And as Jesus said – “…In this world you will have trouble...” John 16:33

So, then I have to ask the question – why do I spend so much time trying to avoid it?  And why am I so unprepared for it when it comes?

As I think about this, I have come to one answer – my Christianity is tainted.  Now, I would not blame this deficit on any deficiency of the Bible, or even my church, but rather the contamination of my own faith with popular materialism.  Materialism says there is no god, and no afterlife, and so the meaning in life is in living a secure, long, pleasure-filled, easy, trouble-free life.  As a worldly Christian, I reject atheism and embrace the concept of heaven, but I also love the idea of a long, secure, pleasure-filled, easy, trouble-free life.    

Now, you could say that is all well and fine, and as it should be…but is it?  Who am I really following?  Did Jesus do any of that?  His life was not long, He had no home, He did not seek His own pleasure – it wasn’t easy, and He had all kinds of trouble.  So why am I consumed with trying to avoid it?

Rather than trying to sidestep trouble, Jesus embraced it as a medium to glorify God.  In John 12:27, in referring to His ignominious death He says, “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No. It was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father glorify your name!”

In September 2021, my wife Shallena – my best friend and love of my life – had a stroke.  She has been diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer for over five years, and this brain bleed - resulting from enlarging brain tumors - was the most recent complication.  As I have struggled with the consequences of this stroke for her, for our family, and for her role in our family,  I feel the words of Jesus – “Now my soul is troubled.” But the difference is that unlike Jesus, I want to just give this trouble back.  “Lord, just take it away”,  “Please heal Shallena”, or in the faithful, daily prayer of my firstborn for the last five years, “…please help Mommy to get well.”  Like Paul, I have found myself pleading (far more than three times), for the Lord to take this thorn from us (2 Corinthians 12:8).  I still hope that happens.  I still pray for it, and I still say thank you to all those others who with love and faith bring our family before the Lord in prayer.  But so far, that has not happened.

When will my Christianity allow me to say, “No. Father glorify your name”?  Our cancer journey has been marked by our struggle to be free from cancer.  Shallena has had surgeries, radiation, five lines of chemotherapy, multiple biopsies and procedures.  We have prayed, we have fasted, we have had  anointing services,  we have eaten only vegetables, drank vegetable juice, paid thousands of dollars to naturapaths and lifestyle clinics, eaten cottage cheese and flax seed oil for weeks on end, and a whole lot more...  And while Shallena has done well – and looked well – unfortunately, the cancer has not gone away.  Furthermore, we have watched as many other travelling companions with cancer – dear faithful Christian friends - have been laid to rest in Jesus.  We lose a part of us with each one that dies.  When should our struggle to be cancer free acquiesce into a desire to glorify God? 

I know some will say, “God has not caused these troubles, and He is not glorified by them.”  I have to agree that God has not caused this.  He is the Author of life, how could He cause something as deranged as cancer?  But I would disagree that He cannot be glorified in them.  Going back to the example of Jesus – He was the only perfect human to walk the earth, but the persecution, injustice, and evil execution that he suffered – all at the hands of base man and demons – was the ultimate glorification of God. 

So, where am I going with all of this – one thought: maybe all of our troubles are a call to seek the glory of God?  In my materialistic self-centeredness, I want to get rid of these troubles.  Maybe this isn’t about us?  Maybe these troubles that are promised in this world should not be seen as resented enemies and foes, but a medium?  Maybe they are an opportunity that combined with simple daily trust in God’s goodness – can be a blessing to the world, and glorify Him?  Maybe they are the canvas upon which God is able to write, “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:10. 

Well, thank you for being my therapy session again, as I work through this grief.  I’m not sure that all of these thoughts are right or make sense, but I know this paradigm gives each day meaning for us in our situation.  Rather than an omnipresent feeling of “losing”, it gives me one simple question for each day – “How can this day (and these troubles) glorify God?”