To Be Used

                                                                                                                              January 30, 2013

"Use me...".  I have prayed that prayer many times, in different circumstances, countries, and continents. I think it betrays the deep need I have to be useful, to do good things, and to help others.  Recently the answers have been a little unexpected... 

There was the friendly man who stopped me to promise a load of manure for only 5000 kwacha (~$15).  Well the money went, but the manure must be pushing up tomatoes in somebody else's garden.   

There are hands -- hands that reflexively poke in my white face: asking, begging, demanding.  Ripped clothes, dirty faces, bare feet, skinny hungry belly buttons. 

There was the naked man who threw his wet clothes at my feet in silent protest that I could be so well dressed in my right mind, when he wasn't.

Then last week we donated several thousand dollars to the local economy.  We're not sure when or where it went, but its gone.  

My boots disappeared off the porch a few nights ago.  

The other day some village children wandered through our yard looking for mangos and firewood.  I said "Hi", they said, "Give me money".  I gave them firewood and mangos.

At first it was easy to give it away -- poverty is everywhere, and we are rich.  But over time its easy to become cynical when people want to be associated with you because your lack of melanin betrays your deep pockets.  

But can I really blame them?  If my children cried to sleep hungry, what would I do to get them food?  If they died because they didn't have shelter, would I resort in desperation to immorality?  I only know that I cannot answer such questions -- not that I don't want to (because I really don't), but because I  cannot. 

And how do I relate to God?  "Dear God, please bless me today...help it to rain...help it not to rain...help the people give me back my money...help me, help me, help me..."  

Am I any different? Do I pray from true devotion in my heart, or am I using God? Do I long for an easy life, or do I long for the trials that will refine my heart so that one day I will be ready to be used?

"For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver" Malachi 3:2,3.

--jamie