It's 4:30 in the morning. I'm sitting on the green-tiled bathroom floor beside a smelly pile of dirty laundry, listening to my baby boy cooing in the room next to me as I type on the computer.
I've been up an hour.
Crying.
Yesterday in church I handed Caleb to a young lady who wanted to hold him. After she gave him back to me, another older lady friend came over so I handed Caleb to her. The young woman turned and commented to no one in particular, "Passing off the baby again."
Passing off the baby?
Passing off my baby?
That insensitive comment struck my heart.
Does she have any idea that when my baby was a week old, my joy was turned to sorrow? Does she know that my security was replaced with insecurity?
Does she have a clue that I daily ask if my precious tiny son knows who his mommy is, as daddy gets up with him at night again to let me sleep so that I can "get well" so Caleb even has a chance to know his mommy?
Does she appreciate the fact that his brother and sister were mine at this age, and breastfeeding soothed their every need, but this baby has no idea what comfort at mommy's breast feels like?
Does she have any concept of the hours I've mentally wrestled, trying to understand for what purpose God gave me a baby now, when He knew before I did that I had stage IV breast cancer?
Does she realize that sharing Caleb is a result of me trying to make sense of his birth at this time in my life? That I reason that the blessing that he is must be for others and not just myself?
Does she understand that I cannot kiss or hold my baby like a normal mother because of the chemotherapy?
Can she begin to comprehend how much I long for his life, for our life, to be "normal", like most new babies have it?
Does she fathom that daily I pray that I don't have to "pass off my baby" to someone else to raise, but that his own mommy gets to raise him?
Can she observe the aching of my heart as I hold my baby close, trying to fix deep memories of his mommy in his impressionable mind--willing, willing him to remember me, not knowing how long he has with me?
Does she see the struggle, the tears, the refusal to surrender, the battle with things far too big for me, the pleading that goes on all night, the exhaustion, the attempts not to think, to sleep......
Passing off my baby. I pray, never.
Oh Shallena, our prayers continue to be with you. This is so poignant, so painful. Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine all that you are going through, and we pray that God will continue to give you peace. Not just visible peace, but internal peace that passes all understanding.
ReplyDeleteOrion, nearly every moment of every day I am thinking of and praying for you and Keren. How this world makes no sense! May Jesus come soon!
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ReplyDeleteYou, Jamie and sweet little Jedidiah brought me so much joy so many years ago - I can only imagine the joy your family and precious Caleb bring to others. Your love as a mommy exudes from your very core. You're never from from my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWords seem so meaningless at these times... Sending hugs and love!
Thank you, Bill and Sarah-Jane! We appreciate the prayers. We still remember how kind you were about Jedidiah jumping off of your huge chair! :)
DeleteOh how my mother's heart cries with you right now. I can't begin to understand your sadness and pain but I know Someone who does. He feels every bit of it. One day we see the end from the beginning. Our view right now is so dim. What I see in my brief but beautiful time with your family is a love that is rare on this earth. Admist the fiery furnace I see a little picture of Heaven in your home. Selfless love, nurture, sacrifice...I so wanted to linger there... The God that preserved Noah and his family, parted the Red Sea, and made the sun and moon stand still for Joshua is holding you in His hand. I love you my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words, Christie.
Delete😥
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. Love, Annette
Love you!
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ReplyDelete“Passing the baby off”…. A short phrase that has passed through my mind countless times.
ReplyDeleteIn my life as Nurse and Foster mom, many times, it has been with an underlying negativity.
“Passing the baby off” has come to be a phrase of heartache. Heartache for all that you are going through. Heartache for all that every member of your family is going through.
Over these months you have welcomed me into your world, accepting this older lady as a friend. You have shared raw feelings with me. You have allowed me to enjoy your children. Stumbling clumsily in my own feelings of helplessness, at the same time trying to be support and strength that you need. Last Sabbath that painful phrase was in my head….. did I hear someone speak it? In the awkwardness of my own helplessness, did I actually say that?
Words. Pain caused that cannot be repaired.
PRAYER!! God, please use us to carry out YOUR will in Jamie and Shallena’s journey. Let Your Spirit filter our human failings, so Your will can flow freely.
Dear Kathy,
DeleteThank you for your kind words and for writing! You have been very sweet and supportive to me and my family. While you may have heard the comment, you were not involved in the situation. I appreciate you and your willingness to help! You are a blessing!