What I am Praying For

What I am Praying For

“Daddy, is mommy going to die?”

We were laying in one of those snuggly end-of-the-day lounges where daddy is the pillow, and Jedidiah (6) and Abigail (2) were the wiggly squirming children who were supposed to be going to sleep.  That cold night back in December 2013 left me feeling chilly, but I was strong.

“No sweetie, (big sigh), mommy isn’t going to die”. 

We were awaiting a definitive surgery to make sure the good news that the surgeon had told us earlier was really true.  The workup until that point had been unnecessarily frightening, but we waited for confirmation of our guarded hope.

Finally the day came, the surgery went well.  “The sentinel lymph node was negative” seemed to be the icing on the cake, and we had a new lease on life!  Shallena was sore from surgery, but our hearts went home leaping like “calves out of the stall”.

Two and a half years later, and a few days ago we received the news that the cancer that had been cured had spread to her lymph nodes and the liver adding up to a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer.

Stage 4 breast cancer is something that is a little harder to stomach.  Average overall survival around two years, no accepted cure, palliative chemotherapy…

“Daddy, is mommy going to die?”

The last week has been a roller coaster at best.  While we have the sweetest newborn baby you could imagine who only wakes us up three times a night, I also have this new strange feeling in my chest.  It’s that feeling you get when your wife says, “Please don’t buy me any new clothes”, or “They are little, they need a mommy”.  Or just one of the many sporadic daily red eye sessions.  I have only felt honest to myself when I have been crying or praying – everything else has been pretense.

But in the very same week, the week that has marked our life forever, there has been a mysterious grace.  The encouragement, prayers, and support of family, friends, and even strangers is a balm to our soul.  Friends we haven’t seen or heard from in decades writing to share their support, and add their flame of faith to our flicker. The love that I feel when I look into those beautiful brown, tear-stained eyes.  Fourteen years married to my best friend, and the miracle that two willful adults could experience such love.

And then there are the prayers…we have never been prayed for as much as we have been in the last week.  The outpouring of goodwill from family, friends, churches, missions, and others has been overwhelming.  Thank you for your prayers and your support. 

As we have spent more time on our knees in the last week, I thought I would share what I am praying for.

1. That the will of God be done.  We serve an all-powerful God who created this world, and designed each of us from the dust that makes our DNA.  Disease, even stage 4 cancer, is ruled by His permissive will.  It is our desire that this trial brings glory to God, salvation to our family, and the likeness of Jesus to our souls.  We didn’t choose this, but it has been allowed to pass through the nail scarred hands of Jesus.  We pray to be faithful in the middle of it.  Please pray that God’s perfect will be done in our family, and especially in the life of Shallena.

2.  To not become bitter.   We pray that God melts our hearts through this fiery trial.  It is so easy for self-pity to creep in with a sense of entitled merit, but we pray to always remember His Grace.  Jesus—the purity of the universe-- became sin for us, and He has promised to be with us in the fire.  Please pray that we will not become bitter.

3.  The Glory of God.   We live as the unworthy objects of an infinite grace.  When Jesus was contemplating His ultimate sacrifice He said, “Now my soul is troubled and what shall I say? “Father, save me from this hour?  No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.  Father glorify your name!”  John 12:27,28.  At the bottom of all of our tears is a desire that God’s goodness be seen in our lives and in our struggle.  Please pray that our story will glorify God and increase His Kingdom. 

4.  Healing.  We have asked God, and will continue to ask God to heal Shallena.  Whether it is by a miracle of a moment, by following natural laws and principles, or modern medicine, we are praying that God brings complete healing.  We will wait, follow where He leads us, and watch to see what He will do.  As He reveals His will, we will submit and praise Him for His leading in our lives.  We know there will be healing.  Please join us in praying that we will know the best course to pursue to help the healing process, and that we will recognize it as it comes. 

5.  Our Children.  We have three beautiful children who are all processing this situation very differently.  Jedidiah is more aware of the situation while Abi is just acting out her feelings, and Caleb truly does need a mother.  Please pray for our children – they need it in every way.

6. Malamulo.  For the last three and a half years our family has been working at Malamulo Seventh-day Adventist Hospital in Malawi.  We thought this was our calling, and fully planned to continue the work there.  Malamulo has stood for Christ-centered healing for over 100 years, despite the enemy’s sundry attacks.  Please pray for the Mission at Malamulo including the other Missionaries and the administration. They are doing God’s work, and now have more work than before.

^“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38,39.